Before you sign off for the weekend we've picked out ten things you might have missed in the wonderfully weird world of football this week. The sort of stuff the internet was invented for. The sort of stuff that shows just 5% of footballing entertainment occurs in those 90 minutes.
Fast Football – Usain Bolt has spent a couple of days training with Borussia Dortmund this week. Leaning on his PUMA connections with the club, Bolt slotted in upfront, and no game has seen more long balls in-behind since Obafemi Martins on Pro Evo 6.
Relegation ain't far Ha'way – Sunderland fans were probably asking themselves if things could get any worse as they sat at the bottom of the Championship at half time against Preston. Cue a Newcastle fan to run on the pitch in a Magpies shirt, hammer a shot against the crossbar, and run off doing a Shearer celebration while a steward showed the same amount of mobility and effort as Sunderland's defence trying to stop him.
Zlat in Town – We know what you're thinking... Will Zlatan Ibrahimovic's shy and introvert personality fit in on the Hollywood scene that is Los Angles? We reckon he'll do just fine.
Gunter Hunters – Wales' Chris Gunter became his country's most capped player in China on Thursday. A respectable achievement. But still not enough to explain why he has his own loyal fan base in China. Favourite player? How about the Real Madrid forward? Nah, we're all about Reading full-backs.
Diving sh*thousery of the week – If there was a God in this world then the match winning penalty "won" by Jean Meneses of Universidad de Concepcion would have been saved. And then Meneses would retire and spend the rest of his days apologising face-to-face to anyone on the planet who has ever watched a football match.
King of the Match – This? Oh, this is River Plate goalkeeper Franco Armani wearing a ‘Man of the Match’ Burger King sponsored crown because football is business, and business is money, and modern football is weird.
Bale's Bunker – Gareth Bale has had a 3-hole golf course built in his back garden. Because professional footballers have enough money to do sh*t like this instead of using their back garden to stockpile old Christmas trees, cigarette butts, and distant neighbours recycling bins.
Cooking up some cash – Lewis Cook's Grandad will win £17,000 from a £500 bet if the Bournemouth midfielder makes his debut for England this week, or before his 26th birthday. What if he doesn't get on? What if Bournemouth get relegated and he never gets another call up? Cash out pal.
Footballer Farm – If you're not following @ftbllrswanimals then you need to. People often say social media has ruined football, but you could't pick up the Sunday paper and see a photo of Tomas Brolin riding a Zebra could you? No, you couldn't.
God Save Our Blushes – Once again some England fans are proving themselves to be utter morons in Amsterdam this week. It is a small group, and thousands of England fans do travel, behave and respect their hosts, but time and time again these groups of braindead, drunken, embarrassments bring shame to other England fans who simply want to explore a foreign city, have a few drinks, and watch some football.
Throwing beers at the locals. Throwing bikes (with kids' seats attached) into the canal. Just a bunch of 'lads' doing 'banter' no doubt.
Enjoy your weekend folks, wherever the football takes you. Unless you're throwing bikes in canals, then chain yourself to them first.
