From silent seagulls to the new way to carry your half time pint, here are 10 things you may have missed this week from the weird world of football. More proof if it was ever needed that this is far more than a game two halves.
Less Of The Lip – Lip readers at the ready for a bit of refereeing. We're going for the first option in a strong Northern Irish accent. Could be "I'm a frog god" too. Doubt it's the second one... although if it is we hope Todd gets a say in the matter.
Mike Licking Mike – From one referee to the universal emperor of all referring drama. Ever wondered why 4K HD TV's were invented? So you can slowly watch Mike Dean tantalisingly seduce his microphone with the tip of his tongue. That's why.
It's What He Would Have Wanted – The family of the deceased have attended the game. A club legend, he was. A deserved minute's silence followed by a meet-and-greet with the match day squad, all of whom line up to offer their condolences one-by-one. Heartwarming, you think... until you're grasping a feathered wing and looking directly into the eerie unblinking plastic eyes of a killer. You rightly start to question whether yer dad did pass away from natural causes, or whether he was smothered to death by this 8 foot tall silent psychopath. Decent Twitter account, this. Go follow.
Reiss-cess – Wonder how Reiss Nelson's German is coming along? Not well we imagine. Not well at all.
Let's Be Frank – Frank Lampard. Brilliant at making perfectly timed runs into the box. Rubbish at thumb wars.
Chip On The Old Shoulder – Chilean side O'Higgins took their McDonald's sponsorship to a whole new level. How are O'Higgins with potatoes on their shirt not an Irish club?
Coached – This has enough flair for Graeme Souness to condemn the manager to the very depths of hell for showing off when he could have just side footed it back.
Hands Free – What a world of opportunity this man has opened up... Just think of all the things you could do with your hands if they weren't busy holding your pint at half time. You could hold another pint in each hand for example. All fun and games until he forgets where he's put it.
Spraymaker – What's worse than being spat at in the face by the Guvnor?! This is the sort of stuff Mr and Mrs Dean get up to in the bedroom after he's successfully given an advantage that led to a penalty. It ain't father/son sort of stuff.
Warm Welcome – Zenit St Petersburg fans welcoming their team for their Europa League match against Fenerbahce. Very thoughtful, 'coz it can get cold in Russia at this time of year.
Baffled – Bafetembi Gomis' crawling panther goal celebration did some damage as the big cat strayed a little too close for comfort for this ballboy who fled in terror. Gomes did offer the lad his shirt at the end of the game, however the kid had a face that read of a month of nightmares.
Pep Comes Clean – Still can't tell when Guardiola's giving an honest answer...
RVP MVP – Ending as we often do with a touching moment. Here we have Robin van Persie taking a small moment of his time to make a big impact for some little fans. He's a good one, our Robin.
Yeah that was 13. Soz. Have a good weekend...
