The sheer boredom of the international week has naturally had us contemplating which Premier League mascot would come out on top in a no-holds-barred fight to the death. We've all thought about it at some point, and now we've skilfully calculated who would be the favourites and who has no chance. Yeah, we've stared directly into the eerie unblinking plastic eyes of each of these furry 8-foot tall serial killers to crown our champion.
Should the Premier League agree to an end-of-season Hunger Games styled death-match then you'd have to rule Everton out for now. Why? Well they haven't got a mascot at the moment. They're yet to replace 'Changy the Elephant' since he was poached back in 2017 so they'd have to nominate a player. Anyway, that leaves us 19 contenders and we'll start by ruling out some of the soft dead-wood before moving onto the genuine contenders.
19 | Sammy The Saint of Southampton – Sammy, pictured here on the left, has got nothing. Rumour has it he got kicked out of Disneyland for being too soft. Dead man walking. Hardness rating: 0/10
18 | Gunnersaurus of Arsenal – His strength is also his weakness: Sharp claws but no reach. Those unsettling eyes shaded by his cap are somewhat intimidating, but he needs to swap the Arsenal logo on it for a Stone Island one before anyone starts taking him seriously. Not a threat. Hardness rating: 1/10
17 | Stamford the Lion of Chelsea – Looks far too much like Ed Sheeran to be considered a hard man. Hardness rating: 1/10
16 | Harry the Hornet of Watford – Sometimes football is weird. Watford, who have a giant moose as their club crest but a giant hornet as their mascot is a good example of this. And while you're figuring out how any of this makes sense, this big yellow son of a gun has rung your neck. Dangerous, but not deadly. Hardness rating: 2/10
15 | Moonbeam & Moonchester of Manchester City – These silent physcopaths are something loosely to do with Blue Moon. Are they aliens or Chernobyl born rabbits? The longer we stare into their hypnotic eye the more we don't wanna find out. Hardness rating: 2/10
14 | Cherry Bear of Bournemouth – You're taking the dog out for an evening walk and this son of bitch appears under a foggy streetlight at the end of the road. He's staring intensely in your direction, there's nobody else around. His strength is that he's rather smartly opted for normal sized football boots meaning that he's lightning fast. He's got a look in his eye that says he isn't going to maul you to death, but rather make a bee-line for your dog to hump the helpless mutt to within an inch of its life whilst maintaining eye contact with you. And with those thighs your dog's in serious trouble. His lipstick is out. Run. Hardness rating: 4/10
13 | Monty Magpie of Newcastle United – One for sorrow and all that. The giant beak is clearly Monty's strength. His weakness is that he's wearing a Newcastle shirt and that normally ends in defeat for whoever's wearing it. Hardness rating: 4/10
12 | Wolfie the Wolf of... Wolves – We won't beat around the bush here, Wolfie loves his pills. Look at his dilated pupils. He lives for the sesh. He's unpredictable, and he's brought his mrs along. Never trust couples who dress identically. Hardness rating: 5/10
11 | Filbert Fox of Leicester City – He might look like he's been smuggled out of Disneyland with Sammy the Saint but look at the difference in posture and self-confidence. Filbert's telling you to bring it, he backs himself and he's ready to go. Hardness rating: 5/10
10 | Gully the Seagull of Brighton – Ever had your chips stolen by a swooping seagull at the seaside? Possibly. Ever had your chips, wallet, car and girlfriend stolen by one? Not yet. Proper mad b*****d is Gully, loves his booze too. The type of nutty geezer you avoid eye contact with down your local. Hardness rating: 5/10
9 | Pete the Eagle of Crystal Palace – The fact he has a normal name that doesn't begin with the same letter of what he is means that he has to be respected and taken seriously. He's either wearing sunglasses which means he's rock and roll and up for a scrap, or he's blind and less of a threat. Either way if you hear the words 'hold my glasses' being sqwuaked. You better sharpen up. Hardness rating: 6/10
8 | Chirpy of Tottenham Hotspur – None of Tottenham's official platforms state what Chirpy actually is. Not that it really matters when he's laying the nut on you while grinning like the physcopath that he is. Hardness rating: 6/10
7 | Hercules, Bella & Chip the Lions of Aston Villa – The fact that there's three of them simply can't be ignored. No prizes for guessing which one of these is Hercules. Yeah, he's the big fella in the middle with the chiselled jawline and a face that says he would have let Mufasa die, too. Keep an eye on Chip too, doesn't look like he's all there and that's an advantage in a big old tear-up. Hardness rating: 6/10
6 | Captain Canary of Norwich City – We're not gonna lie, we had this sorry looking yellow mess at number 19 originally. Then we looked deep into its soul and saw a lot of pain. Pain that suggests this flightless maverick has absolutely nothing to lose. He's been to the edge and he's lost it all. His agony might be unhealable but sticking you in an East Anglian ambulance certainly ain't gonna make things worse for him. Plus he looks like your bald Uncle Alan with Jaundice. Hardness rating: 7/10
5 | Fred the Red of Manchester United – Nothing gets kids more excited for a game than their parents sadistically encouraging them to pose for a photograph with the supreme spirit of evil, Satan himself. Fred is a devil and therefore a wrong'un. Strength: has horns, comes from hell. Weakness: Looks a bit like a gummy bear. Hardness rating: 7/10
4 | Bertie the Bee of Burnley – Another one of our contenders who has opted for normal sized boots for speed. Clever. There's a couple of reasons for Bertie making the top 4. The first is that the sun has never come out in Burnley since records begun, which makes us suspicious of what he's doing in Burnley. Secondly, the longer you look at him the more he starts to looks like Sean Dyche. Oh and he's got thighs that could strangle a shire horse. Hardness rating: 7.5/10
3 | Mighty Red of Liverpool – What the f**k is this monstrosity. Head like a racing helmet, teeth like a guillotine. It's essentially what Roberto Firmino would look like if he was a Pokemon. Kill it before it breeds. Hardness rating: 8/10
2 | Captain Blade of Sheffield United – You'd be reckless to ignore the glaringly obvious fact that Captain Blade is carrying not just one 18 inch sword, but two, and that's all that's visible, god knows what else he's packing for closer combat situations. You have to be a special kind of stupid to start a fight with a man with a tucked in shirt and an eye-patch and not expect retribution. The eye-patch says “I’m not afraid to die” and the tucked in shirt screams “discipline." The only one of our fighters who is armed, but not the hardest... Hardness rating: 9/10
1 | Hammerhead of West Ham United – There was only ever going to be one winner here, wasn't there? Yep, it's Hammerhead. Just look at him, he's an unbelievably impressive complement of mechanical weaponry, an absolute death machine specimen. He eats bullets for breakfast and transformers for dinner. Hammerhead is a completely different species of mascot and this contest was over before it even began. Hardness rating: 250/10
